nothing really new under this sun, or lack thereof, except that sinking feeling i get when the threads of my sanity begin to unravel. it's strange to be able to tell when a breakdown is imminent. self-awareness can be hinky that way. one day everything is ok, you're going about your business, and life, while not perfect, is going relatively well. then, out of nowhere, that sinking feeling. the voices come back with reckless abandon, and you're doing all you can to keep your head above water, hiding all the sharps and avoiding bridges or any other structures higher than two or three storeys.

in this analogy (albeit a very very thin one, because this is really what's happening inside my head) i use 'you' but i really mean 'me'. all of this swirls around my brain for a while and it leads me to wonder if you know you're about to go crazy are you really going crazy or is it something else? that leads to a certainty that i really don't know what's going on and i'm already so far gone that it really wouldn't be a big deal if i just went ahead and took that drive up to mackinac. and so it goes...

(and they all wonder why i'm not sleeping)

anyway, i'm not sure why any of that came out. and i don't know if you should be worried or not. but i'd lean toward not, becasue i'm pretty resilient. and if push comes to shove i know how to get help and where. so don't freak out. yet.

what i really wanted to talk about is my dA birthday (or anniversary or whatever you want to call it.)

yesterday was four years since i first started this deviant art thing. kind of weird to think that it's been that long. that got me thinking about a the time i've been doing this, reading through some of the things that i've written and that have been written to/about me and looking through old photographs. all this led me to realisewhat a long strange trip it's really been.

i actually started with dA before i started shooting. and when i started i never would have imagined in my wildest dreams that it would have led me here. i got my first camera a month or so later and the rest, as they say, is history. of course, it's a very checkered history that includes countless conversations about any subject imaginable, really interesting relationships that have arisen and receded, and my evolution from the person i was to the person i am. oh, and lest we forget, a lot of drugs.

it's funny. i don't really distinguish between photography and dA. to me they are one and the same. i don't know if others have that same association between their life and a website or not. i'm certain that it isn't healthy, but as i laid out at the beginning of this, health isn't really too concerning to me at the moment. but dA has been a part of my life about as long as photography has, and they've grown completely intermingled.

don't remember what the point of all this was when i started writing, except to thank you all for being around here, for reading my raving lunacy and looking at life through my twisted eyes. it's been a fun four years and, with any luck, there will be more good things to come. so thanks. you guys are the best.

that's about all i had to say for now. hope you're all doing well. see you on the flip

be excellent to each other



ajm