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=allenjmiller

son of rage and love

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when you find yourself in a sticky situation it's best to... (thoughts?)

36%

27 deviants said indulge it. you only live once right.

29%

22 deviants said how vague can you be?

13%

10 deviants said wash your hands of it ASAP.

11%

8 deviants said run. baby run.

11%

8 deviants said drink it over.

25 comments | Past Polls

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Recent Journal Entries

7/20/08 why so serious?

7/17/08 as i was walkin' round grosvenor square...

7/12/08 spend all your time waiting...

7/9/08 well, the smart money's on Harlow...

7/4/08 it's not a silly little moment...

6/28/08 this bed is on fire...

6/15/08 for my dad...

6/13/08 coming soon...

6/12/08 if you can't be good example be a horrible warning

6/7/08 it's getting late haven't seen my mates...

why so serious?

Journal Entry: Sun Jul 20, 2008, 12:15 AM

so...
The Dark Knight wasn't a disappointment. that's a shock because my expectations were huge. i mean huge. and i am happy to say that heath ledger left us with a performance that was memorable. i know he's in terry gilliam's new flick too, but this is probably the role he'll be remembered for. it's not an award-winning performance, but neither was jack's rendering of the joker twenty-plus years ago.

the boards at IMDB are all abuzz about whether he should get the oscar for best actor or best supporting actor. apparently someone forgot just how pretentious movie people are, especially those fuckers at The Academy. but honestly people, LOTR ROTK was a fluke. no one ever wins real, serious awards for flicks like this. and peter jackson was the exception that proves that rule. sorry to burst bubbles and whatnot, but it isn't happening. if he didn't win for Brokeback Mountain it isn't happening. end of story.

surprisingly, the reality of how amazing heath ledger was didn't really hit me until i saw that flick today. that's strange, because his performance in Candy was better. by the way, if you haven't seen Candy make the time and effort. ledger was amazing in it as well as his costar abby cornish (she's australian too, and absolutely gorgeous). but anyway, The Dark Knight was amazing.

furthermore, i love that christopher nolan made this flick. he's so good at blurring the lines between hero and anti-hero. of course at the end of the day the villain is the villain, but nolan keeps it interesting by not taking the cheesy route that would have been so easy to take with a hero like batman.

i also enjoyed maggie gyllenhall in it. i always enjoy her performances. she's so... well, i'm not sure what it is about her, but she's definitely a vast improvement over katie holmes. now if we can just get rid of christian bale for the next sequel we'll be in good shape. i know i'll catch hell for that last comment, but i really can't stand him. ever since American Psycho i just can't stand him.

finally, i'll leave you with my wishful thinking for the third installment of the latest incarnation of the batman series on celluloid. number one, and this is a higher priority than getting rid of christian bale, is cillian murphy. this guy's an amazing actor. remember 28 Days Later anyone? this dude would make an awesome nemesis. i'm not really familiar with the whole comic story so i dunno if it fits with anything that's already been done, but it seems like scarecrow was a major character in one of the episodes from the 90's. anyway, i believe cillian murphy would really thrive as a villain under nolan's direction. the only other real wish i have is to get rid of chrisitan bale. how about edward norton or guy pearce. hell, i think clive owen would even be a good candidate. other than that, i think the casting has been excellent and i'm looking forward to the next installment.

so get to the movies people. and get on netflix and order Candy. you won't be disappointed. hope you're all enjoying the weekend. take care of yourselves

ajm

---

63 Comments

Mood: Awestruck

as i was walkin' round grosvenor square...

Journal Entry: Thu Jul 17, 2008, 11:00 PM

^{...not a chill to the winter but a nip to the air,
from the other direction, she was calling my eye,
it could be an illusion, but i might as well try, might as well try.

she had rings on her fingers and bells on her shoes.
and i knew without askin' she was into the blues.
she wore scarlet begonias tucked into her curls,
i knew right away she was not like other girls, other girls.

in the thick of the evening when the dealing got rough,
she was too pat to open and too cool to bluff.
as i picked up my matches and was closing the door,
i had one of those flashes i'd been there before, been there before.

well, i ain't always right but i've never been wrong.
seldom turns out the way it does in a song.
once in a while you get shown the light
in the strangest of places if you look at it right.

well there aint nothing wrong with the way she moves,
scarlet begonias or a touch of the blues.
and there's nothing wrong with the look thats in her eyes,

wind in the willows playin tea for two;
the sky was yellow and the sun was blue,
strangers stoppin strangers just to shake their hand,
everybody's playing in the heart of gold band, heart of gold band.

--garcia/weir/lesh}

time for a little update. good news. i'm one semester away from getting my degree. one of the reasons i came up here was to finish school and today i learned that i can get it all in within one semester. that rocks my friggin' socks. bad news. i'm broke and it's going to cost a shitload of money. that doesn't exactly rock my socks. barring a rich family member coming out of the woodwork i'm pretty much screwed, but at least i know where i stand. so if anyone would like to contribute to the ajm college fund i'll be more than happy to accept any terms.

had a groovy time today wandering around downtown grand rapids with ~rchevalier this afternoon. she's recently back from europe and off to portland for college this weekend, so we had lots to talk about. i realized when i was walking back to ms. stewart-baxter that i hadn't even taken the camera out of the backpack so i don't have any photographic evidence, but it was a fun time. oh, and i did get a parking ticket. oops, forgot to feed the meter. 

she indulged my curiousity and walked with me all the way to my old neighborhood. actually saw the house i lived in all the way back in 1984-85. it's sad though. the neighborhood isn't quite as charming as i remembered it. then again, the city seems about a third the size it was when i was younger and even less charming. i suppose that's what happens when your world gets smaller. the places you've been seem smaller too.

for some reason i haven't really had the camera out at all since i've been here. been to all kinds of relatively photogenic places, but just haven't been feeling the urge to shoot. i've been some pretty cool places and seen some pretty amazing things, but just haven't really been feeling the camera thing at all. i am sure that will pass. planning a roadtrip to niagara falls and then through toronto and northern ontario for next week so i'd imagine that will get the photography bug back in full effect. 

the week after that i am heading out to motown to visit my all-time best friend the mortician. we're going to take in a tigers game (w00t) and then head over to windsor for some cuban cigars, canadian beer, and a bit of the old windsor special. the finer things in life you know '

something else. a couple people have commented about my seeming lack of angst. it's true, i've kind of lost that edge. it's hard to be angry when you're in a nurturing environment and you're not always on your guard. i'm actually really thriving in this environment and it's nice to feel good instead of looking over my shoulder constantly. so you might not recognize me, but i'm still the same old boy. just a little less angry and a little more comfortable in my skin. i should have done this years ago. i've made peace with some things that have nagged me for years and some other things that aren't quite as old but have been emotionally devastating. it feels really good to put those things to bed. really good. haven't had a drink since i've been here and to be honest i'm not even craving one. it's a really special feeling.

and finally, i took a freelance job doing some graphic design for the indy paper here in GR and i'm jazzed as fuck about it. it pays for shit, but it's creative work and i'm pretty stoked.

that's about it for now. and i was serious, if anyone wants to buy rights to my photos or anything like that i'm willing to do just about anything to get school taken care of. it's been over ten years now since i started, and i am ready to finish it. anyway, hope everyone is well. take care of yourselves


ajm

---

today's visual thought...

22 Comments

Mood: Peaceful
Listening to: the dead
Reading: still haven't unpacked any books
Watching: deadliest catch
Drinking: h2o actually chewing on ice cubes

spend all your time waiting...

Journal Entry: Sat Jul 12, 2008, 10:38 AM

^{...for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always some reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
i need some distraction,
oh beautiful release
memories seep from my veins
let me be empty, oh,
and weightless, and maybe
i'll find some peace tonight

in the arms of the angel, far away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

so tired of the straight line,
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
the storm keeps on twisting,
keep on building the lies
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference,
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe
in this sweet madness
oh this glorious sadness
that brings me to my knees

--sarah}

^{hmm... so what does everyone think of dA v6? i'm not sure yet. at first it turned on the computer and was like WTF, i'm not on for two days and everything's different. then i remembered that i beta'd v6 a couple months back and that it looked familiar after all. i'm sure that once we're all used to it all will be cool. though i must admit that i've not seen a website that goes through a complete recode as often as this one. i've been here a little over two and a half years and this is the third redesign. but ultimately what can you do?

so i'm officially in michigan now. enjoying it. remembering a lot of things that seven years erased. i had such a low opinion of this place and now that i'm here, i can't really remember why. there are a ton of things that i missed without realizing that i missed them. and so far the humidity isn't so bad. hovering around eighty percent. it's quiet here too. at night there is no sound. it's wonderful. i cut the grass yesterday. they've taken all the work out of that. i remember when i was a kid mowing for a whole day. now they have lawn tractors that you ride on and mow. i mowed a haf acre on about three hours yesterday. and the sun didn't even kill me. amazing.

i'm about ten minutes from lake michigan, which is a really big lake if you're not familiar. going to the beach a little later. btw, thanks to *Aziot for hooking me up with some info about the beaches and lighthouses in the region. so there's going to be a strong thematic shift over the next little while, but i think it'll be ok.

the fallout i was dreading was bad, but not so bad that i can't handle it. i was married at one time after all so i have a pretty thick skin. you learn who your true friends are when you experience adversity. and when all is said and done the people who were true friends will be ok with me and the choices that i made. and those that don't, well, i guess they weren't true friends in the first place. but whatever, it is what it is and that's life.

that's about it for now. hope you're all enjoying your weekends.

ajm

---

today's visual thought...}

13 Comments

Mood: Peaceful
Listening to: breaking benjamin
Reading: still haven't unpacked any books
Watching: the breeze through the trees
Playing: nope. who needs it
Drinking: no. don't think i'll be doing much of that anymore

well, the smart money's on Harlow...

Journal Entry: Wed Jul 9, 2008, 8:04 PM

^{...and the moon is in the street
the shadow boys are breaking all the laws
and you're east of East St. Louis
and the wind is making speeches
and the rain sounds like a round of applause
napoleon is weeping in the carnival saloon
his invisible fiance is in the mirror
the band is going home
it's raining hammers, it's raining nails
yes, it's true, there's nothing left for him down here

and it's Time Time Time
and it's Time Time Time
and it's Time Time Time
that you love
and it's Time Time Time

and they all pretend they're Orphans
and their memory's like a train
you can see it getting smaller as it pulls away
and the things you can't remember
tell the things you can't forget that
history puts a saint in every dream
well she said she'd stick around
until the bandages came off
but these mama's boys just don't know when to quit
and Matilda asks the sailors are those dreams
or are those prayers
so just close your eyes, son
and this won't hurt a bit

well, things are pretty lousy for a calendar girl
the boys just dive right off the cars
and splash into the street
and when she's on a roll she pulls a razor
from her boot and a thousand
pigeons fall around her feet
so put a candle in the window
and a kiss upon his lips
till the dish outside the window fills with rain
just like a stranger with the weeds in your heart
and pay the fiddler off till i come back again

--tom}

so... wow. so much has happened since the last time that i updated here. crazy thing is it's only been a few days. there will be no crazy phoenician nights for this cracker. due to circumstances unforseeable only a few days ago, i am headed back to michigan. west michigan to be exact. scary huh? no more desert. no more hundred-plus degree weather. no more mountains. farewell to all that. hello, and welcome, to 120% humidity, big puffy clouds, water (running water, standing water, water everywhere) and who can forget snow, tigers games, road trips to niagara falls, and of course wild and crazy nights in windsor? after seven years away, michigan here i come. i need a new car. in the worst way. i'm not going to bore you with gory details. rather i will show you some photos from the first two thousand miles, five days and six states that this odyssey has seen. oh, the states; new mexico of course, arizona (yeah i made it to az, but it wasn't meant to be), utah, colorado, nebraska, and iowa. tomorrow, more iowa, illinois, indiana and finally michigan. oh joy!!!

^{oh shit!!! it's marjory stewart-baxter... at monument valley

utah. at 75 miles per hour.

about an hour out of denver. the eastern slope.

nebraska. power lines and wheat fields. apparently there's more to nebraska than corn. and huskers...

eastern colorado. looks like western nebraska...

ms. s-b lost in the desert. arizona.

---

today's visual thought...}

41 Comments

Mood: Apprehensive
Listening to: oakenfold
Reading: all my books are in boxes...
Watching: amber waves of grain
Playing: mind games
Eating: every word i ever said
Drinking: i ought to be

it's not a silly little moment...

Journal Entry: Fri Jul 4, 2008, 4:22 AM

^{...it's not the storm before the calm.
this is the deep and dying breath of
this love that we've been working on.

can't seem to hold you like i want to
so i can feel you in my arms.
nobody's gonna come and save you,
we pulled too many false alarms.

we're going down,
and you can see it too.
we're going down,
and you know that we're doomed.
my dear,
we're slow dancing in a burning room.

i was the one you always dreamed of,
you were the one i tried to draw.
how dare you say it's nothing to me?
baby, you're the only light i ever saw.

i'll make the most of all the sadness,
you'll be a bitch because you can.
you try to hit me just to hurt me
so you leave me feeling dirty
because you can't understand.

Ww're going down,
and you can see it too.
we're going down,
and you know that we're doomed.
my dear,
we're slow dancing in a burning room.

go cry about it - why don't you?
go cry about it - why don't you?
go cry about it - why don't you?

my dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room,
burning room,
burning room,
burning room,
burning room.

--john mayer}

Another Pearl from Urbandictionarydotcom:
fourth of july
July 4

The day people light things on fire, and blame it on loving their country.

police officer: hey, you kids, that type of fireworks is illegal!
kid: dude, its the fourth of july. just showing some love for my country.
police officer: oh. in that case. toss me an m-80.

and we wonder why the world hates us... duh!!!

^{let me preface what i'm about to say with a sincere 'i'm ok, i promise.' there are things that go through this psychotic mind that have no explanation or rational basis. even so, it's better to let air them out in plain sight rather than bottle them up and let them eat away my guts. so, once again, i am fine. i just have a few things to air out that, once aired, will hopefully fall by the wayside like most of the paranoid feelings that haunt my daily life. so...

the last two weeks have been a living hell. i have been questioning this decision with every breath and every fiber of my being. i can't escape the feeling that i've left something undone here. i can't escape the feeling that i am runnning away from something that i need to turn, fight and face down. what is it? i don't know. if i knew, then it would be easier. i could fight it, whatever it is, or just walk away from it.

but not knowing is killing me. am i doing the right thing? am i just running away from one big mess into another one? do i really know what i'm doing? these are the questions that have been haunting me. as the moment of truth and the moment of departure grows closer and closer, i am finding myself beset by a monumental fear. fear of what? i don't know. just a haunting feeling that i am going to fail miserably in this new environment.

is the fear rational? no, i am sure it isn't. i've done everything to ensure a smooth transition, i have a support system in place where i'm going, i have closed out all of the business here that needed to be dealt with. but there's still a nagging fear that something isn't right.

i talked to my mom about this the other day. she says i am doing the right thing. i think that every person i've talked to has been positive about the move (with the exception of my roommate for obvious reasons). mom's actually flying in to help with the move. something i never could have even imagined i would have asked her to do a month ago. of course, she jumped at the idea. she's flying in from manila as we speak. still there's a nagging fear that grips me.

so what do i do? i haven't had a good night's sleep in a month and i'm on the verge of insanity. for the time being i am going through with the move. the vast majority of my mind knows that this is the right move to make. i just hope that the other part, the blackness, decides to go away or tells me what it's making such a fuss about. if it doesn't, i guess there's only a couple days left before this disaster occurs. whatever it may be.

anyway, that's about it. hope you're all well. i'm out of here in just over 48 hours. oh, and by the way, happy Independence Day to all my amerikan friends. on the day when we celebrate freedom from tyranny and colonialism we should all examine our current situation and decide for ourselves if it's time to rise up against tyranny once again. but you don't even want me to get started on that, so i'll say farewell for now.

and if you get the chance, hug a veteran. but only if he or she isn't carrying an automatic weapon (wouldn't want you to get shot for assaulting one while on duty). we wouldn't have all this self-indulgent excess without them.

ajm

---

today's visual thought...}

40 Comments

Mood: Apprehensive
Listening to: madman across the water
Reading: all my books are in boxes...
Watching: the fires of industry
Playing: mind games
Drinking: mt. dew

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