a brief warning. this is more stream of consciousness (or maybe cesspool of consciousness in my case) writing than anything that follows any verifiable pattern or linearity.

it’s june again. this year instead of getting a big fat pile of white powder and ignoring the demons in my closet i get to deal with them. i have intentionally been abstaining from strong drink too. not sure how wise that is or how long it will last, but whatever. in many ways it’s better. it’s harder, but ultimately more productive. this is one of those state of the union-type journals and you’ll either read it and deal or delete it now and always wonder. as has been my habit over the last two years i will bare my soul here so that it’s out of my head and i don’t have to dwell on it. it’s narcissistic and self-indulgent but hey, i’m the king of that so why not? anyway, don’t take any of this too personally. if it’s directed at you then you probably deserve it. and if you feel bad, you probably ought to. honesty. it’s a ain’t it?

so… here we are. june 2008. a month of big anniversaries. who would have imagined five years ago that things would look this much different in my life, certainly not me. five years ago we were making the final preparations for a marriage that didn’t even come close to lasting as long as planning of the wedding. what a waste of thirty thousand dollars.

first piece of unsolicited advice to all you smitten lovebirds out there; regardless of how much you think you love the person you are about to marry and regardless of how you are sure that you’re going to make it last forever, DON’T get married on a date that’s important to you like the summer solstice. if you do and it doesn’t work out then it will be ruined for the rest of your life. oh yeah, back to the self-pity. i’ll try to limit the unsolicited advice as much as possible.

also, the Big Move West. that happened five years ago at the end of this month. the thing that really strikes me (like a ton of bricks to the side of the head. literally) is how much different i was then compared to now.

sure, i still have many of the same fears and insecurities. but many have been diminished and/or expanded. i have fears now that I never would have imagined back then and there are crippling fears that i had back then that don’t even occur to me any longer. for example, back then i was convinced that i was never going to find anything that would fill the hole in my life that photography seemingly has. of course i have fears about my art that i never even considered back then because, well, art wasn’t important to me then. back then i was afraid that somehow i would lose my ex, which i did, but also that turned out to be better for me than i ever could have imagined. now i don’t fear losing anyone. yes, i value the relationships that i have with people. i’ve even valued the romantic relationships that i’ve had since her, but as far as putting much value in them or counting on them to be anything more than a moment in time are not things that my fragile grip on sanity will allow. i won’t allow the things that i have gone through over the past few years to happen again. and if that means that i won’t have a real, fulfilling romantic relationship again, so be it. i prefer alone and self-reliant to codependence and constant worrying. of course, that isn’t how it’s supposed to be or so ‘they’ tell us. 'they’ say when you find ‘the one’ they are supposed to compliment you but not complete you. they are supposed to be certain without the need to reassure. they are supposed to be the yin to your yang and it’s supposed to be just like music. yeah, i’ll keep you posted…

people are always trying to say they live their lives with no regrets. or at least trick themselves into thinking that they feel no regrets. that’s total bollocks. if you don’t have regrets then you’ve lived your life on the sidelines and you haven’t taken chances. people who take chances will always have some kind of massive failure that they wish they could take back. i certainly do. i have quite a few actually. want to read about them? look at my photographs. you’ll see the ghosts of my regret splayed all over them. no regrets.

second piece of unsolicited advice; don’t get a tattoo saying that you have no regrets. i’m sorry, ‘no remorse’ actually. especially if you have a thousand things to be remorseful for. it’s the ultimate in hypocrisy. and to be honest, it’s disgusting. ultimately disgusting. in any language.

do you know how many people consider me their friend, rather consider themselves to be my friend? i’ve never had so many friends in my life. i’ve never felt so alone either. there seems to be a massive disconnect there. or maybe it’s just me. maybe i’m disconnected. i used to think that i was a sensitive person. used to think i was kind and caring, generous even. not any longer. at some point jadedness and cynicism became the norm for me. i don’t know if there’s a way to get back to the other me but i’d really like to. maybe i am putting too much pressure on myself. or maybe i just need to take a deep breath once in a while. i don’t know. what i do know is that i don’t want to be this way and i am infuriated at the people who have done the things that made my defenses this way. no, i don’t blame you for my defense mechanisms, they are mine and i developed them on my own but you put me through some and i had to develop them or die. no one does anything to me that i don’t allow and i am not a victim, but there was a time when i wasn’t nearly as protective of myself as i am now. some would even call me reckless. and i was.

third piece of unsolicited advice; don’t ever sacrifice yourself and who you are to be with someone. there is no end to it. one day you’ll be compromising small things, and it will continue like that for a while. but then, much later on, you’ll find yourself denying huge chunks of your personality to fit in with that other person. you can only deny yourself for so long before you forget who you are. and that isn’t nice at all.

so, who is this person living in my body? is this me now? is it really true that you can’t go back? there’s a line somewhere back there and now that i’ve crossed it and kept on going i can never get back to the one i was before? or is there hope? and if there is hope, how do i get there from here? these are rhetorical questions all by the way. no answer needed

now paging,
identity crisis, party of one…

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