so it's been a while. a lot's happened. a whole lot. all of it good even if it didn't seem like it at the time.

let me start out by saying that the first week of march has always been, at least over the last five years, the best week of my year. five years ago i spent the week with my now ex-wife in florida. it's the last good memory that i have of her, and one of the best of the almost nine years that we were together. we went to three ballgames, spent a few days with her grandmother in her retirement community, went to disney world, and just generally had a great time. she did buy a lot of shoes, which bugged at the time, but little things are little things and in the big scheme, it was a really fun time. and i'm not one to throw stones about shoes anyway. i've got 20+ pair myself '

four years ago i was back in florida. this time with my aunt mary who i spent last summer with after the first time i was supposed to move to PHX and, looking back on it, made the right decision not to. i was drunk most of that week, but when i managed to drag myself out of my stupor we made it to some really cool places. not to mention that i got to see four ballgames that week. made it the gulf coast of florida and drank way too many margaritas from jimmy buffet's place too. oh, and in one of my most ironic stories ever, on a whim we went into the seminole hard rock casino just outside of tampa where i dropped a buck into a slot machine just for fun, spun the reels and hit a four hundred dollar jackpot. that was pretty cool. i've always been one lucky motherfucker. more on that in a bit.

three years ago i got my first camera and spent the week out on the road figuring out just how cool photography is. two years ago i spent in moab with mr hazard. that was a real trip. last year, of course, was the trip to the desert with mr hazard. we drove about 2900 miles in the desert yacht formerly known as dr. tran and got to hang out in PHX with my best friend Alexandra.

so the first week of march has always held significance. this year was no exception. if you'd told me that i'd feel that way midway through february i would have told you that you were out of your fucking mind. i was, well, fucked up. my mind was fucked. my body was all whacked out on some crazy-ass scheme, but most of all my spirit was on the verge of breaking. by the time i finally got the nerve to remove myself from what was, by far, the unhealthiest situation i've ever gotten myself into, i was ready to break. without the help and support of the best friend any one could ever hope for, there's very little chance that i'd be writing anything, much less this, right now. thanks Alex.

so, dateline somewhere in the vicinity of february 18th 2009, i got a call from the aforementioned angel. i'd been talking to her again for a few weeks. there was an incident in mid-january that will remain undisclosed that made me realize some things. most importantly that i'd been pushing her out of my life for too long. sure, there was some messy stuff in the past. really messy. but she has always been the one that has occupied my mind in the dead of night. i thought about her every day. in fact there hasn't been a day in nearly three years that i haven't thought about her. so i asked her to come out and visit me in the desert. to my surprise and profound satisfaction she agreed. as fate would have it, she arrived during the first week of march.

we spent four days getting to know one another again. and it was nice. we stayed up until mid-morning every night and had the most amazing conversations about everything and nothing at all. we drove to the desert and the places that i had begun to find mundane filled back up with the wonder that i saw in her eyes. when i took her to the airport on monday it was the worst day of my life. this couldn't be over. it just couldn't. we'd finally gotten past all the things that had hung over our heads for the last three years and things were finally where we both knew that they could have been all along.

two days later i got called into my boss's office at work. it was a wednesday morning, early. he said that they'd decided to make some cuts. this one was going to be based on seniority. i was by far the low man on the pole so i was going to be laid off at the end of the week. i thanked him for the opportunity and all that and walked away.

i was bummed for all of ten minutes. after that i realized that it would make the decision that i had made the night before a lot easier, and somewhat more rational to the outside world. but overall i took the layoff as a sign from the powers that be that i'd made the right call. i was going to follow my heart. some would say yet again, and on the outside they'd probably be right. but the truth of the matter is that i'd spent years making excuses and finding reasons why we shouldn't be together. i'd decided that i wasn't going to run any more.

i'm writing to you from a bar in a little town called rogers. it's in arkansas. yeah, i know, all the things you've heard about arkansas are true. it's country as hell. the people really do have sex with their cousins. there's more nascar shit everywhere than you can shake a stick at. etc, etc, etc. there are some things that you haven't heard about it though. for one, it's beautiful country. there are pastures full of horses, little streams, caves, waterfalls, green grass, and even a few mountains. not to mention tornadoes and the most fabulous thunderstorms that you'll ever find.


and i'm happy. when i was 12 my parents moved my sister and me to a city about sixty miles from here. we lived there for three years while my dad went to seminary. those years were some of the happiest i can remember. the innocence of childhood was still somewhat intact but i was also coming into my own. those years are fresh in my mind every time i look around here.

i've been very fortunate in my life. sure i've gone through some hard times. who hasn't? but at the end of the day i'm the luckiest man on the face of the planet. for one thing, i'm on the face and not six feet underground. i could have been a hundred times over by now for one reason or another. but the real reason that i feel so fortunate is that i've finally come home. i get to spend a few hours every day with Lindsey. i've met some really amazing people here. her family has welcomed me with open arms mostly. her kids are great. my stowaway (i'll explain that if you really want me to) is doing really well despite an overnight stay in the hospital last week. i'm struggling to find a job. smoked my last cigarette about an hour ago. ran out of deodorant this morning after i got out of the shower. but things are good. and i'm happy.

thanks for reading this if you did. you guys have read through mountains of drama over the last couple years and i'm forever grateful to the people who have been around and left off the judgments. as for the rest of you (you know who you are) thanks for being who you are and helping me figure out exactly what i wanted all along. i've finally got it.

so, enough rambling for now. hope everyone is well.

be excellent to each other



ajm