once upon a time...
Journal Entry: Fri May 8, 2009, 3:00 PM
you dressed so fine
you threw the bums a dime in your prime, didn't you?
people'd call, say, "Beware doll, you're bound to fall"
you thought they were all kiddin' you
you used to laugh about
everybody that was hangin' out
now you don't talk so loud
now you don't seem so proud
about having to be scrounging your next meal.
how does it feel?
how does it feel,
to be without a home,
like a complete unknown,
like a rolling stone?
you've gone to the finest school, all right, Miss Lonely
but you know you only used to get juiced in it
and nobody has ever taught you how to live on the street
and now you're gonna have to get used to it
you said you'd never compromise
with the mystery tramp, but now you realize
he's not selling any alibies
as you stare into the vacuum of his eyes
and say do you want to make a deal?
how does it feel?
how does it feel,
to be on your own,
with no direction home,
a complete unknown,
like a rolling stone?
you never turned around to see the frowns on the jugglers and the clowns
when they all did tricks for you
you never understood that it ain't no good
you shouldn't let other people get your kicks for you
you used to ride on the chrome horse with your diplomat
who carried on his shoulder a Siamese cat
ain't it hard when you discover that
he really wasn't where it's at
after he took from you everything he could steal?
how does it feel?
how does it feel,
to hang out on your own,
with no direction home,
like a complete unknown,
like a rolling stone?
princess on the steeple and all the pretty people
they're drinkin', thinkin' that they got it made
exchanging all precious gifts
but you'd better take your diamond ring, you'd better pawn it, babe
you used to be so amused
at Napoleon in rags and the language that he used
go to him now, he calls you, you can't refuse
when you ain't got nothing, you got nothing to lose
you're invisible now, you got no secrets to conceal.
how does it feel?
how does it feel,
to be on your own,
with no direction home,
like a complete unknown,
Like a rolling stone?
--dylan
you threw the bums a dime in your prime, didn't you?
people'd call, say, "Beware doll, you're bound to fall"
you thought they were all kiddin' you
you used to laugh about
everybody that was hangin' out
now you don't talk so loud
now you don't seem so proud
about having to be scrounging your next meal.
how does it feel?
how does it feel,
to be without a home,
like a complete unknown,
like a rolling stone?
you've gone to the finest school, all right, Miss Lonely
but you know you only used to get juiced in it
and nobody has ever taught you how to live on the street
and now you're gonna have to get used to it
you said you'd never compromise
with the mystery tramp, but now you realize
he's not selling any alibies
as you stare into the vacuum of his eyes
and say do you want to make a deal?
how does it feel?
how does it feel,
to be on your own,
with no direction home,
a complete unknown,
like a rolling stone?
you never turned around to see the frowns on the jugglers and the clowns
when they all did tricks for you
you never understood that it ain't no good
you shouldn't let other people get your kicks for you
you used to ride on the chrome horse with your diplomat
who carried on his shoulder a Siamese cat
ain't it hard when you discover that
he really wasn't where it's at
after he took from you everything he could steal?
how does it feel?
how does it feel,
to hang out on your own,
with no direction home,
like a complete unknown,
like a rolling stone?
princess on the steeple and all the pretty people
they're drinkin', thinkin' that they got it made
exchanging all precious gifts
but you'd better take your diamond ring, you'd better pawn it, babe
you used to be so amused
at Napoleon in rags and the language that he used
go to him now, he calls you, you can't refuse
when you ain't got nothing, you got nothing to lose
you're invisible now, you got no secrets to conceal.
how does it feel?
how does it feel,
to be on your own,
with no direction home,
like a complete unknown,
Like a rolling stone?
--dylan
first, the lyrics are for me. not for anyone else. it's where i'm at. so don't read anything between the lines here, except maybe that i finally get what bob was saying now.
a very wise man once told me...
Be confident. If nothing else, it beats being depressed, doesn't it?
damn. he was right.
that got me thinking, without even knowing it, over the events of the last seven weeks since i left arizona. that got me thinking about the four weeks before that since i had finally moved away from the one whose name is not to be smeared about here on dA. that got me thinking about the four months i spent there. and so on and so forth. the last year has been a roller coaster tweaked out of its mind on crack.
i think about myself a year ago and don't even recognize that person. it's amazing to think how comprehensively different i was just a year ago.
the growth i've experienced over that time, though excruciating (both literally and figuratively) at times, has been metamorphic.
the last seven weeks have been really influential though. i've been pushed, pulled, squeezed, stretched and generally made uncomfortable beyond what i thought i could ever endure. i also haven't been completely dry (wet anything; feet, hair, hands, etc. is my biggest ocd trigger) since i left the desert. did i mention punched in the face, chased with a shotgun, cursed by someone who i never did anything for but help, hit in the head with a big fucking stick and been close to death more times than i care to count or think about. it's been an interesting time to say the least.
not to mention that i had my heart wrenched out of my chest and ground up like so much ground round. again.
anyway, that's beside the point. four days ago i was at the end of my wits. i was ready to relapse. but something, i still haven't figured out what, brought me up of the wreckage.
i'd like to say it was the show, but that isn't it. the show is a culmination of my life's dream, but it wasn't enough to keep me out of the terminal depression that i was ready to surrender to.
something clicked in my head and i realized who i am. i've spent the last twenty years saying that i didn't give a good goddamn what people thought of me. i've spent even longer thinking that i was myself. that i was free from fear and self-loathing. truth is, i was living in it. i was so caught up in it that i didn't even realize that it was eating my soul.
i've always felt like i was living my life under a microscope. it has been daunting. no matter what i've tried to do to realize that everyone else is so caught up in their own lives that they don't even have time to pay attention to mine i've never been able to shake the feeling that i'm always on stage. but i've come to see it differently over time. it's made me one hell of a poker player '
i don't know how long it will last. nothing ever lasts long in my world. but at the moment i am healthy and happy. my mind is free from the chains that i bind myself with and things are going in the right direction. don't get me wrong, i've got big problems. there's a laundry list. but today i feel good. and today is what matters. i hope that all of you are in a good place too.
anyway, this is just one of those journals that i wanted to post for posterity. to look back at it later and see where i was on 8 May 2009. there's no resolution or great revelation to be found here. just introspection and another leg in this journey they call life.
i was going to write about ms. stewart-baxter's injury due to a run-in with one of the tornadoes that rolled through southwest MO this morning and a funny little anecdote about dead frogs and their tales, but i'll save that for tomorrow.
one last thing. i haven't mentioned it before now because i'm not sure where and how things really stand. but someone very dear to me lost someone very dear to them one week ago today. my heart is with you. and there isn't a moment that goes by when i don't feel your pain.
in the meantime, be excellent to each other.
ajm
- Mood:
Speechless - Listening to: spiders. lovedrug.
- Reading: love in the time of cholera.
- Watching: and waiting
- Playing: no. i'm dead serious
- Eating: no
- Drinking: smart. water.
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Devious Comments
Peace and Love
--
ian
--
he repeated until his dying day that there was no one with more common sense, no stonecutter more obstinate, no manager more lucid or dangerous, than a poet
--marquez
You're a survivor, Allen and you will keep surviving. I'm glad you had an epiphany about life that kept you away from the abyss. Folks need those every so often. You've been through a lot and you're stronger for it.
Do keep looking for the good that life has to offer because there is so much of it--in art, music and even people, but when someone swings a big stick at you--DUCK!
--
definitely the old cliche rings true.
all i can do is reach for the goof in life. if i didn't have my positive outlook and belief that everything will work out somehow and that tomorrow is going to be better than today was then i would have given up long ago. so i guess there's that.
--
he repeated until his dying day that there was no one with more common sense, no stonecutter more obstinate, no manager more lucid or dangerous, than a poet
--marquez
stay strong.
--
2+2=5.
wut?
Canadians don't live in igloos.
Want to read something? [link]
--
he repeated until his dying day that there was no one with more common sense, no stonecutter more obstinate, no manager more lucid or dangerous, than a poet
--marquez
But I digress.
I haven't commented on your journals but I have been lurking and reading. In fact, I haven't participated in just about anything I normally participate in lately. Life changes myself. Stuff happens.
But my thoughts and best wishes go with you. You'll eventually either figure it out or move on. I tend to move on, which is the process I'm beginning now. The times I figure it out, I realize that, while interesting, it's probably not worth the effort in the long run and move on to the next puzzle.
Good luck.
--
Brian Austin
Phoenix, AZ
-- Models wanted for various genres. I'd love to pay you but I'm saving up for ammunition for when the world blows up. And yes, I'd prefer you take your clothes off.
agreed on the moving on part. i really think that my life is going to become a process of continuous moving on. maybe there's something or someone out there that will prompt me to put down roots, but i'm done looking for it. i'll let it find me. and then i'll test the fuck out of it before i give in again.
life's too short to be suffering or recovering perpetually. i'm thinking that i'm going to get one of those microbuses with the pop-up camper attached and just travel for a living. if sales go well, i may be able to do it. time will tell.
anyway, thanks for the wishes. next time i'm in PHX i'll have to take you for one of the dinners i owe you. it will happen too. no doubt.
--
he repeated until his dying day that there was no one with more common sense, no stonecutter more obstinate, no manager more lucid or dangerous, than a poet
--marquez
it's amazing how much a person can change in a year. i don't remember who i was a year ago... i'll have to think about that. later. after the evil 8 page paper i have to write. i'm actually stalling right now.
--
Looking for a contest with a cool theme AND cool prizes? Look no further!! Click the [link] for details ^_^
it's humid there? ugh. i hate california. SF is the only cool place there. oh, and Humboldt county
--
he repeated until his dying day that there was no one with more common sense, no stonecutter more obstinate, no manager more lucid or dangerous, than a poet
--marquez
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